By BBG and La Femme Negrita
It is summer time. Tis the season for cookouts, fighting relatives, and family friendly mayhem. This is the time we get to see relatives we’ve tried to avoid all year long and meet brand new ones that didn’t know existed. Our family is crazy but we love them. To keep us sane or asking for a DNA test, here are 23 survival tips to help you survive your crazy ass family cookout.
1. If you are cooking and eating wash your damn hands.
2. Learn how to clean chicken. Remove all the hairs and slime. Some of y’all don’t. NASTY!
3. Stop trying to pass potato salad and cakes you bought as your own. You aren’t fooling anyone but yourself. We all know your ass can’t cook.
4. Beware of Aunt Peaches. She’s drunk and hates you. She will talk mess about you and cut your ass in a heartbeat.
5. Stay away from the creepy uncle. As Miss Cleo said, “trust your instinct it never lies.”
6. Never ever, ever interrupt a domino game. NEVER!
7. Black folks don’t have BBQ’s. We have cookouts.
8. If you are bringing a guest tell them everyone is going to give them the side eye until the first round of screw drivers gets served.
9. Ignore the relative who tells you not to eat pork while he smokes a pack of Newports and is a certified crack head.
10. Don’t eat Aunt Peaches food. She doesn’t wash her hands.
11. If you don’t eat meat don’t be surprised when they serve you greens with a piece of fat back in it and call it vegetarian.
12. Please ignore your beloved tee-tee when she asks if you’re a Muslim (pronounced mooslim) because you don’t eat pork.
13. Kiddies, stay away from the cooler Uncle Ray Ray is sitting on.
14. The old folks didn’t move the whole night but the moment you put on Frankie Beverly and Maze, Earth, Wind and Fire, the wobble or a step song all of a sudden Big Mama can move like she 24. Now you know where you get them hips from.
15. If your family doesn’t play those songs then you need to find new people!
16. Please ignore that one relative that wants to fight everyone after a few sips of liquid happiness. They have the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome. Don’t take it personal y’all. Their lives are screwed up and this is their only opportunity to let you know this.
17. Your cousins who are shooting bottle rockets at each other make you question genetics and prove that alcohol and stupid don’t mix
18. Please ignore that relative that is a so-called expert in relationships but has multiple baby mamas or daddies.
19. Beware of Cousin. She loves some Jesus, but will screw her cousin’s man in a heartbeat.
20. Lock your sh** up. When cousin Lil Ray Ray is in your home for some reason things go missing.
21. At least you get to meet cousin Jerome’s four long-lost kids. They are all big now.
22. When the seniors start rolling up blunts and white owls, it’s time to go home.
23. Drinking and driving is stupid. If you can’t afford a cab how the hell are you using gas to get to the cookout. Stay your ass home. If not car pool. We know Uncle can’t see while driving but humor him and pray you get home safely.
They crazy, but we still love them so accept who they are. Today, “may the odds be in your favor.” Have an awesome day.
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