Dear Mom and Dad,

I have decided to turn in my Black card and become transracial. What is Transracial? Transracial means I was born in the wrong race. If Rachel can do it, I so can. Why am I doing this? I’ve decided to claim the White man who raped my 5th great grandma while ignoring my other 253 African and African American ancestors who forcefully brought and enslaved in America because I can. After all, because I was Black American I’ve done more for White people than some Whites. My people worked this land for free! You know, I feel awful about giving up the history, culture, great skin, beautiful hair, brilliance, creativity and stuff, but hopefully now that I am transracial:

1. I won’t be followed around stores like the Black people who actually don’t steal as much as White people. I can steal things at will now. YAY ME!!
2. People will assume I have money because I am tr ansracial and will treat me with respect and dignity.
3. I would finally have a voice in the wage gap debate complaining only about my $.71 compared to Black women’s $.64 to a White man’s dollar.
4. I will ignore the fact that 60% of Black girls by the time they reach eighteen will be sexually abused.
5. I will ignore the 64,000 Black women missing in America because they are Black.
6. I would think “Black Lives Matter” was all about Black men.
7. I will ignore the fact that since 2000, 20% of people murdered by the police were Black women and then say “All Lives Matter” ignoring the systemic inequality against Black people.
8. When Black women say “Black women are beautiful” I will correct them and say “all women are beautiful” while I continue to ignore Black women because it is all about me.
9. I won’t be called a welfare queen or baby mama even though most of the baby mamas and people on welfare are White.
10. Unlike Black people, if Transracial person messes up, other transracial persons who have nothing to do with it won’t be held responsible. Have y’all seen the Walmart fight video?
11. I’d think bell hooks and Toni Morrison were the only Black writers ever and I will always bring them up to my Black friends to make them feel I was down.
12. I will make more money talking about Black issues than Black people.
13. When I discuss Black issues I’d be considered an authority instead of Black people.
14. I will act like Black women do not exist except to be my personal side kick, maid, mammy or magical Negro.
15. I’d then tell her she is different from other Blacks as a compliment.
16. Whenever racism happens I will pretend it did not happen. I’d call people racist for pointing out racism and then quote Martin Luther King Jr. to silence Black people.
17. Unlike my old Black self, I will finally become the standard of beauty in the Black community.
18. I would be considered an upgrade in the Black community.
19. I can make pumpkin pie instead of sweet potato pie.
20. I can wear my hair the way I want and no one will tell me I hate myself.
21. My big butt and lips will now be called a threat to Black woman by Black men.
22. I would finally be marriage material for Black men who hate Black women. Hey Tyrese!
23. If I was in trouble everyone would help me.
24. If I did something wrong, no one would blame my culture.
25. Unlike Black children, if I was a child and something happened to me, unflattering pictures I posted on social media won’t be used against me.
26. Unlike Blacks, if I was a child or teenager on TV I wouldn’t be referred to as an adult. I’d be allowed to retain my childlike qualities to illicit sympathy from the news audience.
27. If I did something crazy like shoot up gas stations people would attributed it to a mental illness because everyone knows Transracial people are incapable of violence. Just ignore the crime stats, 400 years of genocide and systemic racism, the KKK, bombings, killing people at museums, school shootings, White supremacists groups, unnecessary wars and stuff.
28. I’d finally have my own token Black friend (who is actually my coworker that has never been to my house).
29. I’d touch her hair without her permission and if she is offended she should lighten up. Get it? Lighten up.
30. Unlike the Blacks I’d get better job opportunities and since I am Transracial woman I could benefit from Affirmative Action and not be called out for being a quota hire or admission.
31. I’d simply blame the Blacks for affirmative action instead.
32. For the office party I can make subpar potato salad and no one would be surprised! Now that I am transracial I can bring the store bought stuff.
33. My 4c kinks will magically change to a loose 1a-3c and my hair would be seen as professional and clean. You know the normal, because we all know Black natural hair isn’t normal.
34. Now that I am transracial can wear multiple colors in my hair or braids and it is seen as cool and hip.
35. When Black girls put colors and braids in their hair I’d call it hood and ghetto.
36. I’d think shea butter was for cooking.
37. After watching YouTube I’d finally discover shea butter is great for my hair and skin and make millions from it and not give credit to the Black women on YouTube who shared their recipes for free.
38. I would call Bantu knots twists inspired by Marc Jacobs.
39. I can appropriate other cultures and claim it as my own creations. Lookie I discovered Bhangra Dance!
40. I’d call Iggy Azeala the queen of hip hop.
41. I won’t have to worry about rappers and comedians using me as a punch line.
42. My color will simply be a tan.
43. At the family BBQ’s one would expect me to know the Cha-cha, dance to “Before I Let Go” or sing the Fresh Prince of Belair theme song.
44. I can exercise my second amendment, walk around with a gun and no one will call the police.
45. I can talk back to the police by exercising my first amendment and not be slammed into the ground.
46. If the police are called, unlike Tamir Rice and other Black people, the police will try to negotiate because my life was worth saving and Black lives weren’t.
47. If I did happen Americans would be outraged unlike the Black people that had it comi
49.   ng to them.

So Mom and Dad since I did the DNA test and I found out I have Asian ancestry perhaps I can be Japanese too? What do you think? By the way, now that I am transracial please don’t visit. I don’t want people to know I am transracial. I love you.

Your newly transracial daughter,

Kisha

I mean Ke$ha because Kisha sounds ghetto and Ke$ha on a White woman sounds hip and cool.

This was my attempt at satire. The fact is that you cannot be transracial. You can’t slap on a wig, use every racist stereotype to reinvent your life and put on tanning lotion and be Black. Blackness is being born to Black parents. It dealing with the beauty of Blackness and the pains of it in a White supremacist world. Blackness is pride and heritage in a world that says we don’t have them. That to me is Blackness.

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