Mission Impossible 2, Image via basementrejects.com
I tend not to look at the emotional side of things. For me it actually comes down to numbers. The truth is that there are more Black women than there are Black men. When you eliminate the 30% of all Black men who have been in the criminal justice system, those who are unemployed (20%-40%), the crappy ones, the already married, gay, etc. it becomes hard. It has nothing to do with quality per say. There are good Black men out there. It is really about quantity. Don’t believe me? Take a look and then click the link below to the U.S. Census:
| BLACK POPULATION-SEX AND AGE 2011 | |
| Total population | 39,189,528 |
| Male | 47.70% |
| Female | 52.30% |
| BLACK POPULATION MARITAL STATUS | |||
| Total Black Population | Black Males | Black Females | |
| Population 15 years and over | 30,512,899 | 14,288,168 | 16,224,731 |
| Now married, except separated | 28.90% | 32.60% | 25.60% |
| Widowed | 5.80% | 2.50% | 8.80% |
| Divorced | 12.00% | 10.40% | 13.40% |
| Separated | 4.40% | 3.70% | 5.00% |
| Never married | 48.90% | 50.80% | 47.20% |
| AGE OF BLACK POPULATION AGES 18 YEARS AND OVER BY GENDER | ||||
| 18 years and over | 18 to 34 years | 35 to 64 years | 65 years and over | |
| 28,611,229 | 10,181,266 | 14,862,350 | 3,567,613 | |
| Black Male | 46.50% | 48.90% | 46.60% | 39.30% |
| Black Female | 53.50% | 51.10% | 53.40% | 60.70% |
Source: U.S. Census American Community Data Survey 2011 - 1 Year Estimates table S0201
So as you can see Black women are at a statistical disadvantage when they just date Black men. That is why I believe Black women should date all kinds of men including Black men. The chances of finding a premium partner of every hue including Black men will increase when you expand your choices. Sadly, when Black women just stick to Black men they have less of a chance of finding a mate because of the increased competition from Black women and non Black women. Simply put the numbers are not there. Why am I telling you this? I want Black women to have every advantage including this one. So think of dating like a buffet. Get a bite of everything until you find the right one. And remember have fun doing it.
Amen!
I LOVE the way you boil it down to numbers. Simple logic can not be disputed. No room for “I can’t date a white boy,” nonsense. If you want to get married, you’d better expand your horizons.
Thanks
The figures say it all, great post.
Wow. I love this post! I was considering writing something about this. I tend to date men of various backgrounds and people always question me for it. I just don’t feel the need to limit myself to one race, for what?
I’m not sure this one is really that cut and dried. As a Black woman with a large amount of formal education, in my experience, dating out didn’t actually improve my lot since I was seeking to marry someone who shared my values. If you’re looking to be casual, then none of it really matters as long as your date respects you INDIVIDUALLY whereas for marriage it’s far more complex. White guys came out the woodwork when I started online dating (and some even before that if they didn’t already have exposure to my political views). I never got to date anyone who wasn’t either Black (from various parts of the world including the US) or white. One of the guys I dated was a great guy and we had tons of fun, but it became clearer and clearer that I would never in life want him to father any children I would have. That ended it.
For me, dating out didn’t prove a helpful way to find a marriage partner because I didn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t acknowledge white privilege as being fully problematic: for example, I don’t view opting into whiteness as a legitimate option, despite the fact that I have pretty easy access to some degree of whiteness and have reaped some of the benefits of it without consciously trying to. A similar issue arose when I dated Black men from outside the US and Black men who came from more middle-to-upper-middle class roots (seeing as that’s who my options are in my field of work): often, these men would insult my background because of classist assumptions (e.g. insulting my parents’ house because it’s old and visible worn; insulting my family indirectly when they make assumptions about people who are on public assistance of any sort) or they’d insult my background because of racist assumptions about Blackness in the US (e.g. stereotyping Black people with roots in the US as lazy, morally-lacking, and promiscuous while treating me as an exception).
So, honestly, to me, I have to raise the question of whether Black women instead need to do a self-exploration to understand what their own values are when choosing to say Black men are scarce, choosing to say without nuance that dating out is feasible, or choosing to say Black men who date out are just “liking who they like”. I think there’s more to it and if we don’t actually explore our own values, we could wind up stuck with something we really didn’t want in the long term (in my case, sacrificing my values in order to avoid being called racist for not wanting to opt into white privilege). I’m now married to a Black man with roots in the US who shares my values, although he’s not of the same socioeconomic group that I’m being socialized into as a Ph.D. student; he’s the first man I dated that didn’t horrify me when I thought of having children.
If your values actually match you better to someone who is steeped in the dominant culture, then fine, acknowledge that. Likewise, if your views make you highly incompatible with those who are better assimilated (or those who demand the assimilation), own that and don’t take seriously the accusations that you’re just racist because my case is a prime example of someone who WAS open yet had a preference that strongly increased the likelihood that I’d end up with a Black man anyway. Also related: when deciding that no Black men are “available”, what criteria are being used? I had a pretty easy time finding Black men who didn’t have a girlfriend or wife, who were close to my age, and were interested in talking to me, but a much HARDER time finding men who met that bar the more I stayed within my own socioeconomic class and educational level. Just like white guys magically start appearing when Black women get higher levels of formal education, Black men start magically appearing when you stop using traditional measures of qualification (e.g. income level, formal education levels, job titles).
I married outside my race to a man who treats me like a queen and shares many of the same views as me. I almost did not date him because of his race, and it would have been a big loss on my end, as well as his (I’m a great woman). Many Black women are so closed minded and brainwashed by what they see on tv and hear about “Black Love” and seem to think Black men are the only ones who really take care of their woman a certain way. My husband is very protective of his family, he’s not a punk because he’s white and he doesn’t “act Black” either. Not a typical White guy, but far from a “whigga”.
Awww. He is lucky to have you.
*Sigh* this is such a tired argument that comes out every year around this time. It’s NOT about numbers. It’s about interest. If you reject a white man JUST because he’s white, as opposed to unattractive, values etc. then yes, that’s a bad idea. But it’s not like most white men are BREAKING DOWN DOORS TO DATE BLACK WOMEN. Look at the stats from E-Harmony, Ok-Cupid, and Match.Where are the Long statistically grounded articles by white guys in Esquire, the Atlantic, and Maxim extolling white men to explore with African American women? *Crickets*
The “Black Women Should Date Out” is a myth. Many black women would be HAPPY to date out, but they usually are not getting ASKED. The majority of white men are not willing or interested in the courtship, the examination of their own values and the potential social discomfort associated with being with an African American woman past the sex or light dating stage. If you find one, great but let’s not pretend that’s the norm. The implication of this article and articles like it, is that it’s BLACK women’s fault they are single because they are ignoring or rejecting some long line of white men desperately seeking their company. This is just not true and we really should stop behaving as if it is.
Most African American men aren’t shit anyways. I really want to date outside of my race because non Black men have been more respectful towards me and I find them more attractive too. Silly African Americans want me to find my ”Black Kang” and ”wait” for him. Deep down, I know that ”Black Kang” isn’t going to come and that I desire to date outside of my race