Help me understand Black women’s obsession with build-a-man projects and poverty peen

Example #1

Example #2

Read the two different examples above. Help me! Explain it! I’m trying to wrap my brain around it. I don’t understand Black women’s obsession with build-a-man projects and ashy poverty peen. Y’all addicted to it. Black women got all the degrees in the world, but for some strange reason, all that education goes out the window when y’all fall in love with a dude on a 5th-grade reading level.

Some Black women’s standards are:
1) Can he breathe? Girl, get with him!
2) Can he talk? Stay with him.
3) Can he read? He’s smart!
4) Does his peen work? Definite baby daddy potential. Marriage is a no go because according to hoteps, legal marriage is a White institution.
5) He works? Even if it’s 10 hours a week, he’s a good man.
6) Prison peen? At least you know where he’s at.
Chile Black women are supposed to accept basic crap and low standards because our self-worth is dependent upon our relationship status.

What the rest of the world sees when Black women take care of grown ass men

I want to focus on Black women who take care of men. Don’t you realize you are stifling him? Taking care of a man emasculates him and he’ll eventually resent you. After you spent your best years repairing a broken man for someone else he’ll leave you for someone who wouldn’t tolerate that struggle love sh**. You ain’t his mama! Get him off your nip. You’re his partner/wife. If a man loves you he doesn’t need encouragement to do well. He will do well because he loves you!

Let’s talk about Black women and prison peen. You have Black women telling the world they don’t eat McDonald’s while wanting to marry Dequan in jail. Dequan is facing 15 to life while Dequan is Big Mike’s prison wife. What do you think happens in prison? I’m like sisters who date inmates, “Don’t you know you’re the side chick?” How can he provide from prison? Does he have a retirement plan? You’re going to be 70 working and taking care of his ass. Get a clue.

Help me understand. What is it about poverty/prison peen that makes a Black woman settle for a lifetime of ramen noodles, hot dogs & pork n beans, paying his child support for his second family no one talks about, fighting hoodrats over a piece of a man and bad credit? You are beautiful and can have any man you want. Why settle for this? If you’re a woman of faith, what happened to being “equally yoked?” Does poverty peen hypnotize you? Is poverty peen made of gold? Is it because the only thing he knows how to do is screw because he has nothing else to offer? If we’re honest most of y’all fake orgasms anyway and you only want him because you’re lonely. I’m trying to understand how poverty peen turns women into junkies like crack heads.

Please make me understand why we’re so starved for attention that some of us are willing to accept breathing and living in toxicity as a quality for an ideal mate. Get therapy and understand you deserve happiness, joy, and someone who will provide and protect. Anything less is unacceptable.

Fyi don’t come to me with the SJW (Social Justice Warrior) classism stuff. People are OK with men and women of other races having standards. Once a Black woman does it, all of a sudden we hate poor men. Nah son. I don’t hate poor men. I hate poverty because I grew up in it. Why would anyone with common sense want to go back to it?

What do you think? The only limit you have is the one you’ve placed on yourself. Think and be limitless.

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  1. Kay 30 June, 2017 at 12:58 Reply

    This article is on point but you aren’t touching on the subject of educated black women who are with bum white men (not as educated, make less money than them, are ugly af) and make excuses for him because he’s white. This needs to be addressed.

    • Talia 3 July, 2017 at 13:03 Reply

      There’s nothing to be address here as this isn’t particularly common. The % of Black women with white men is overall low period, let alone the % with bum white men, yet whenever there’s talk about Black women holding Black men to better standards someone rushes in to mention white men & this rare population. It’s a transparent deflection.

    • April Lamba 15 December, 2017 at 10:00 Reply

      The vast majority of black women date and marry black men. So why are you talking about white men, who mostly provide for, date and marry white women?

  2. Maya 30 June, 2017 at 15:00 Reply

    From an early age they brainwash black girls to think that they should not expect much from a man, be low maintenance and be a ride or die chick for a man who don’t treat you right.

    A lot of men and women in the black community always shame a black woman who want financial security, they call them gold diggers, materialistic and disloyal. The sad thing is that they paint struggle love as something romantic.

    “we have go through so many things, but we are still together”

    • April Lamba 15 December, 2017 at 10:04 Reply

      100% true. Black male materialism is accepted and praised in the community and in most music genre black men are in (ie. gold chains, grills, cars, Jordans, etc). For black women, the stereotype is to become the baby mama who is there for her children and selfless, while the black male stereotype is living life selfishly.
      Black males have much higher self-esteem and perceived self-worth over black women. I’d even say they are the only race of men who say that they are more attractive AND prized over their own women, no other race of men does this.

  3. Jacqueline 30 June, 2017 at 17:11 Reply

    The problem is that black girls and women DO NOT KNOW HOW TO VET MEN properly. They don’t. No one taught us and our girls how to do this. Marrying well is not understood or is entirely a foreign concept. But not for black men. They are almost predatory about it. Black MEN know how to marry up….like all the other women in the world. Black women act like the men and the mother in a relationship. No. Just no.

  4. Latrece 1 July, 2017 at 04:35 Reply

    At the risk of sounding defensive….white women do it to. Women by nature are nurturers. Some women love projects. Some men love projects.

    • April Lamba 15 December, 2017 at 10:06 Reply

      White women DO NOT build men who they marry. White mothers and fathers build their marriageable men. They support and work as a unit with men who are successful or becoming successful. This is the constant trope and example white women are fend into “find a man who can provide”. For the black community, many deem women who seek well-off men who can provide for her and her future children as gold diggers.

  5. Serenity 1 July, 2017 at 23:56 Reply

    Black Women are taught to have no standards when it comes to Black men. It seems like Black men themselves perpetuate said standards to either date out of their league or be lazy about doing better. Either way I can’t be bothered.

    When I was single I insisted that my man minimally have no children, be raised by a father, have a real job and a car. That’s all. But I was told I was asking for too much. I held firm and got what I wanted.

    Hold to your standards ladies! Your dream man is out there!

    • April Lamba 15 December, 2017 at 10:09 Reply

      Good job! 🙂 Haters will be in your life to just put you down a horrible path due to their mistakes. You deserve someone who is equally yoked to you. There are successful, well-off, hardworking, single, childless black men out there. And if you cant find one in time etc., there are more non-black men with those criteria as well. NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS GIRLS!

  6. L, Higgins 2 July, 2017 at 12:43 Reply

    Hello Bougie Black Girl,

    As always a truthful article, The above person facebook comment about her loser boyfriend is not shocking at all. Black women need learn how to vet future mates and have standards. I was having a conversation with my nephew and we are in the same age range, and he has a son out of wedlock. He finally met a woman who is well education but here the problem. He has nothing to give to her socially, and financially as a future mate. Working two part-time jobs with out a degree, technical trade and his own apartment is bad. He is couch surfing between his mother household and girlfriend. This nephew magic word is potential. I told him you have potential when you are a child growing up and when you become an adult you would have reach that potential with a degree, business and having one’s own household. Yes I burst his happy bubble. The young lady he is seeing is a fool because she playing house with this loser. Yes I called my nephew a loser because he is one.

  7. J.B 3 July, 2017 at 07:01 Reply

    This passed through my timeline since I attended not one but 2 HBCUs during my University days (wasn’t intentional but it worked out that way) and several friends shared this.
    Let me add I’m a white male, been married for several years and my wife(who is black) does make more than me…HOWEVER. I also work from home as a freelance graphic designer, artist, and do the domestics around the house. I figure it’s the least I can do to balance things out.
    That being said I often saw women with examples of this at university. The men who were most popular among the young women were at the extreme ends of the spectrum: Either they were the “Professional” student, Member of the Greek Organizations (the Kappas at this school were rolling deep) , very well put together, mind on their studies but still going to the party on weekends type.
    Then you had the opposite: The guys who were always rolling into class higher than a Georgia pine (if they showed up at all), studying easy courses but when asked about their career path they usually would say their plans were to be a Rapper or a DJ.
    Sometimes these men were (but not all the time) the drug hustlers on the campus.

    In the middle you had a proverbial bag of mixed nuts but the extreme ends tended to attract women. The rest of the men including myself…always found this odd.

  8. Shahidah 5 July, 2017 at 10:31 Reply

    I never understood this. I’m ashamed to say this was me when I wa s younger. Wandering around in the wilderness of dating that they dropped me off in with one match and a Swiss Army knife. Somehow I was expected to survive. I did but just barely. We need to be given the tools to have a healthy relationship. That means either a healthy upbringing or going to therapy to undo the toxicity of your upbringing. That also includes being given the tool of self-worth by your caregivers or seeking it within yourself with the help of therapy. Oh, this is a long long long long discussion so I’ll just spare you and get off my soapbox now.

    I love the way you write by the way.



  9. Gr8p 16 July, 2017 at 05:09 Reply

    ‘you only want him because you’re lonely…’

    That’s the answer to the question ‘why black women do this’.

    As the song lyric says: ‘It’s the loneliness that’s a killer’. That leads to bad choices indeed.

    That and some women have NO idea how to keep themselves safe. Their minds safe, their bodies safe, credit score safe, financial security safe, their children safe, etc.

    Also, being good at school/academics and being ambitious doesn’t mean what you think it means. It doesn’t mean you have common sense or that you’re good with the opposite sex. If that were the case we’d all be looking at Silicon Valley (where there is nothing but well educated and/or brilliantly intelligent people) to see shining examples of smart people with healthy functional relationships. Smart and good at your job doesn’t mean anything when it comes to choosing partners. Some of these women may have degrees but truly they have no idea how to choose partners nor what behavior is acceptable in relationships.

  10. Rachel 31 August, 2017 at 10:06 Reply

    I think any man who expects a new lady in his life to take care of him from the jump (at which point we should be getting to know each other and showing the best of ourselves to potential partners) – is a disrespectful, cowardly, deluded, LOSER. Men who cannot adequately provide for themselves or their offspring, have no business dating a woman who’s more than capable of providing for herself! You’re a BUM – let’s face it. I’ve encountered many men who expected me to ride or die with them through financial difficulties, but guess what? When I’ve only known you a month or two and you’ve been down on your luck that entire time – to the point where I’ve had to pay for our dates (not my proudest moment, but I was desperate to go somewhere – haha), then you need to sit down and focus on making yourself a better MAN because you’re carrying yourself like a BOY.

    I’m 33, childless and still single – but as God is my witness, I’d rather spend an eternity alone than be a meal ticket for some worthless brother. I didn’t work so hard at school and in my job to be treated that way.

  11. pricilla 2 December, 2017 at 11:56 Reply


    Being single is OKE, do not let these ashy idiots tell you ‘but that degree won’t keep you warm at night’ tell them this in return: bitch! the salary I get from that degree keeps me warm enough in my cosy apartment that’s for sure! We need to stop shaming our women for being single/ having no kids at a certain amount of age/ or not having enough kids :/

    We accept this because it has been normalized, it’s ridiculous that this phenomenon is over the black diaspora: a sister in england can tell the same story as the sister in the states or the one in Haiti. Fuck being shamed that you are ‘bougie, a gold digger, unsupportive’, we are THE ONLY WOMEN EXPECTED TO BUILD UP MEN, EVERYWHERE ELSE MEN BUILD UP THEIR WOMEN. This is not to bash black men, this is to bash us because we have accepted their lackluster effort. All the time they blaming the system, but we manage to do well despite of the system.

    We take men in our houses, thinking we can fix them and help them grow < don't, you will be replaced when they do get up their feet, and most of the time by becky too.
    We financially support them while working multiple jobs ourselves+ studying< you drain you resources and youth on a man who himself does not know what he wants.
    We keep birthing babies without a ring< A man that does not want to put a ring on my finger does not deserve offspring from me. The majority of non- black men laughs at the thought off having a child before marrying, buying a house, or being financially stable. Ask a black man the same and what is the answer "well, marriage isn't everything it's just materialistic a ring shouldn't matter/, money isn't everything/ we should build TOGETHER a.k.a you will work your ass off fulltime while he works on his mixtape or his part time job".

    It's not our job to raise them and build them up, if they want to be men we have to let them ACT like men. STOP BABYSITTING GROWN MEN!

  12. Ngozika 11 January, 2018 at 14:10 Reply

    Black women are taught from day one by society (the media, daily life, and yes OUR OWN COMMUNITY) that we are not wanted or worthy of a good successful relationship. When you have been conditioned for so many years that you better take what you an get because you won’t find anything better, this is the result.

    First, we have to learn OUR worth and then and only then will we learn date men who are worth something.

  13. LJ 17 January, 2018 at 00:11 Reply

    This article has led me to write myself an essay about what my own expectations are from potential partners. After one year of dating and entertaining having an actual sex life, I am realizing that my attitude of not wanting a relationship did not truly serve me. However, unless I know what I want and am firm and adamant about it… I’ll never receive it. Amazed that it took me 25 years to even address this topic seriously by writing down what I want. I goal-set for everything else! Haha.. Thank-you Boujie Black Girl! 🙂

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