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Black women why are some of us the masters of self-sabotage?

Young Woman Thinking --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

Young Woman Thinking — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

Black women, I don’t get it. I don’t get it. I don’t get it. Why are some of us masters of self-sabotage?  From thinking it is perfectly OK it to date ex-convicts to having babies we can’t afford with men who will not provide. I don’t understand. I have seen people swear up and down that this madness is OK but common sense and statistics shows us it is down right foolish. It leaves you at an incredible disadvantage. For one thing , most ex-cons cannot adequately provide because no one will hire them and babies are expensive. Don’t believe me? Check out ex-convicts unemployment and recidivism rates. It costs $245,000 to raise ONE child. ONE CHILD! The sad thing is that many of us self-sabotage when we have options. I’ve done it. Not the dating convict or having babies I can’t afford part.  But I’ve had opportunities that I regret not taking advantage of because of fear or feeling unworthy. Now that I look back on it, I was a fool. Learn from others or change your thinking. You don’t have to live this way.

What are self-sabotaging behaviors?

  • Settling for less when you deserve more.
  • Believing that we are doomed to a life a misery.
  • Making bad choices when there are other options available.
  • Not giving ourselves a chance to succeed.

Why do we turn down opportunities and make bad choices?

We turn down opportunities and make bad choices because we are afraid. We afraid of something new or our silly selves are worried about what others will say. We turn down opportunities and make bad choices because we feel undeserving or are waiting for the other shoe to drop. We are told if something is too good to be true it is when that is a lie.  When we turn down great opportunities and make bad choices we try to mask them by saying “only god can judge me,” “god doesn’t give me nothing that I can’t handle,” “now is not the time” or “I am not ready.” We do this because deep down we believe we are doomed to a life of misery so why even try. That’s is madness.

I have a few questions.

  • Is your fear more important than your success? If it isn’t stop letting it control you.
  • Why are you letting others have control over your life?
  • Aren’t you just as human as anyone else so why do you think others are unworthy of success but you aren’t?

Listen, you worked hard for what you have. You deserve success. Accept it. You deserve happiness. Accept it. You deserve love. Accept it. You don’t have to make bad choices like the others around you have done. Stop listening to others and live for you. You can have a good life. If others were in your position they’d jump at a chance to replace you.  Heck knowing what I know I would. We only have one shot at life. We can’t get back time so why not take advantage of the opportunities you have in front of you? Don’t let a good thing pass you by.

Remember the only limit you have is the one you have placed on yourself so think and be limitless.



  1. Ritchie Mayes 18 November, 2014 at 13:12 Reply

    Great article! Many black women today are self-sabotaging. I like the excuses presented that many have for not obtaining success “only god can judge me,” “god doesn’t give me nothing that I can’t handle,” “now is not the time” or “I am not ready.” Underneath the veneer of religious overtones, are subliminal suggestions that black women, just are not deservant of success. More incredible is the notion that many women define themselves through a paternalistic the male perspective. More often than not, that destructive viewpoint only seeks to subjugate women to a subordinate reality. One based upon a false sense of being, and self-identification. A woman does not learn how to become self-actualized simply by living and experiencing life; it also takes understanding of how women develop along an axis different from men. One way for a woman to understand herself is to read some of the current research regarding behavioral development in women. As a black male, I find it interesting how today, women are free to define the course of her experiences, and to make meaning of different experiences. Women today do have different choices other than accepting a subordinate in society.

  2. JamaicanWomanAMK 18 November, 2014 at 20:47 Reply

    Nice article. I really wish that I can move in with my uncle and leave my mother’s place. I want to be a journalist/writer one day. And a published author. He is moving to New York and there are more opportunities for me there as opposed to where I am living right now. How can I convince my mother to let me move in and attend community college there? I want to do what is best for me and live the best life possible.

  3. Akinyi 19 November, 2014 at 03:22 Reply

    I agree with you 100%. It’s true that the one thing a majority of us black women lack is faith in ourselves. We may be hella confident and strong and fierce but without faith in our ability to succeed we end up settling for far less than we deserve.

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