Dear Black man, Do you really think Black women care about who you marry?


Let me preface this post with a story before we get in the meat, potatoes, rice, and peas. I’m hungry now.

Many of you know I was in the Navy. That’s where I met my late hubby.  When I was in the Navy, I hung out hard with a Black male friend. Let’s call him Ernest. Ernest was a great guy and a sailor who loved anime, Japan, etc. I loved anime too so we’d talk and watch anime for hours. Yes, I’m a nerd. Moving on! The thing is Ernest just happened to exclusively date White women. For those wondering, I never asked why and didn’t I care. I just thought he was a cool dude.

One day Ernest was driving us back to our barracks (dorms for civilians). Out of nowhere Ernest asked me, “why aren’t you mad I date White women?” I looked out the passenger’s side window and told him the truth. I flatly stated, “I don’t care who you date.” The truth was, I really didn’t care and I was in love with my future husband.

The thing is, he expected the angry Black women stereotype. He was stunned I wasn’t. I eventually met his latest White girlfriend. Let’s call her Becky. Becky would say slick things about Black women, our hair and so called attitudes. My Black ass, like all Black women, was the complete opposite of this racist stereotype. I know I’m intelligent as heck. I’m attractive. I worked out and I am ambitious. I had no shortage of suitors. My suitors were from different ethnic, racial, religious and economic backgrounds. I was just in love with my late husband.

Because I didn’t match the racist stereotype in Becky’s mind, I was a threat. When I saw that, I left Ernest alone. I don’t do crazy girlfriends regardless of how much we both love Naruto. What Becky’s sorry ass didn’t know was Ernest told me if I wasn’t getting married to my late hubby, he’d leave Becky’s ass for my 4C hair, big booty and Blackity Black me. I was his “dream girl” who his mama would love. Unlike Becky, I didn’t touch him or even look at him like that. HA!

The point of my story is Black men who think Black women obsess over their interracial relationships are wrong. They’re looking for a fight where there is none. Be honest. You’re obsessed with Black women. Y’all need Black women to prove every racist stereotype about ourselves so you can give yourself permission to hate Black women and be OK with your dating choices. One more thing. Y’all also need someone to blame when y’all fail miserably. Some people are blaming Black women for Birth of a Nations’ fail at the box office. HA!


  • There are 19 million Black men in United States. 
  • Black men are 47.7% of the Black population
  • Only 40% of BOAN’s audience were men.
  • Black men failed BOAN. Black women were overrepresented in BOANs audience and did not fail BOAN.

2015 American Community Survey 1-Year Estimates and Why Was the Audience for ‘The Birth of a Nation’ Made Up Mostly of Women?

The easiest people to blame are Black women because the Black community doesn’t want to and is ill-equipped to protect Black women. Ever notice when someone’s project fails, people blame Black women. If a Black man doesn’t succeed even though we’re all from the same environment, it’s the Black woman’s fault. When the sun doesn’t shine, it’s Black women’s fault. If there was no room at the inn for Mary and baby Jesus’ stepdad, it was Black women’s fault. If there aren’t enough raisins in your Raisin Brand, it’s Black women’s fault. The truth is little man, this isn’t a 1980’s Spike Lee Joint, where Black women obsess over Black men. Black women don’t give a darn who you date, love or marry. We’re too busy living, starting businesses, raising families, going to college, falling in love and loving ourselves.

Let’s look at my point on a larger scale. If Black women did care if a Black man married a nonBlack woman, why do Taye Diggs, Omari Hardwick, Michael Ealy, Michael Colter, and darn near every Black man in Hollywood have careers? Because Black women don’t care about who they married. All we want is for them to take off their shirts. OK, that’s what I want. HEY LUKE CAGE!! If we don’t support a Black man’s career, perhaps he just sucks, has a horrible reputation, has openly stated he hates Black women or needs to produce better work. The question I should ask is if Black men are willing to support Black women centered work, like Queen of Katwe or Hidden Figures? Looking at Black history, I won’t hold my breath. 

Let me repeat this for the cheap seats. Black women don’t care if you’re with Becky, Maria, Latoya or Chen. If you hate Black women, get help. If you’re obsessed with Black women and what we think about your dating choices, get help. If Black women aren’t supporting your projects, don’t blame the consumer. Make a better product. Your issue with Black women is the hater’s cross to bare, not mine. All I want is for Black men to keep our names out of their mouths and stop using racist antiBlack women tropes to justify their nonBlack dating choices.

The only limit you have, is the one you have placed on yourself. Think and be limitless.

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  1. Tikeetha 13 October, 2016 at 10:05 Reply

    Yep, tell them. You must have read that low budget piece by that so called sister on Medium that’s circulating that the black feminist is responsible for the failure of Birth of a Nation? It was ridiculous.

  2. Chay86 13 October, 2016 at 10:47 Reply

    facts! It’s funny because I’ve had similar experiences of Black men going out of their way to bate me into some kind of competition over WW. And sometimes Black women do fall for it. Like, we care about it to the extent that Black males seem to be very obsessed over these other women and are constantly comparing us to them or coming back around to us for support and/or coint. I mean everyone does kind of notice their marrying out patterns, you’d kind of have to be living under a rock not to notice it. Gonna share a quick experience: I remember watching some boring sitcom with this guy I was seeing and out of nowhere he’s like “Oh, you should give this girl her props (referring to the White female lead in the show), she’s got some ass”. I was like “why”? He obviously had no logical reason for making the comment, it’s just some bizarre instinct to get me to focus on her and her ass, meanwhile I’m zoning out barely even paying attention to the show. It’s some kind of wet dream, I guess, I don’t know or this need to try to make me feel threatened and insecure about something. They like to rattle the cage to get a reaction then hide their hands like “Why are ya’ll so obsessed?” it’s projection because they’re usually the ones who are obsessed. I sense that more of them are gonna try to force some kind of reaction out of BW on this subject, and quite possibly with the encouragement of WW and other non-Black women, so we gotta be on guard for that, shut it down as necessary and just move on because a lot of it is trolling for attention. Plus, men tend to get a rise out of women fighting each other.

  3. JamericanWoman95 13 October, 2016 at 10:47 Reply

    This article is well written. I don’t care who these Negro males date and marry because I don’t mess with them like that. Majority of them are not competent enough to marry, procreate with and build and sustain a community. The reason why they blame Black women for everything is because they are weak. Only weak people blame others for their problems. Haven’t these males figure out that maybe many Black women didn’t watch the movie due to the fact that Nate Parker is a rapist?

  4. linda 13 October, 2016 at 14:19 Reply

    I have a similar situation going on at my job. I supervise a black male who is married to a white woman who is ten years his senior. Like most white women in their late 50’s, her skin is wrinkled, she dyes her hair blonde to hide the grey, and she has a ton of medical issues. Every day he complains to me about his marriage. She’s addicted to alcohol and energy drinks, refuses to pay for her own health care (even though she makes more money than he does), is on 11 different medications from thyroid pills to Xanax, tells him to “f*ck off” when he suggests doing something fun, and has just bought their 7th chow puppy to add to the 5 cats they already own. No shyt. (or plenty of it, maybe). When he’s at work, she calls him to complain about how her Black female co-workers act (according to her, all Black women act like “Atlanta Housewives”). I hear him on his phone going, “There, there…don’t let ’em get to you”. I said all this to say that to a black male, the evilest, ugliest, craziest white woman will always be more preferable than a Black woman will ever be. Oh, and unbeknownst to his wife, he fills my ear about how he’s always been attracted to women who look like Chaka Khan or Jill Scott. I have to bite my tongue because I’ve seen pictures of his wife and I want to ask him what part of his wife even remotely resembles Chaka or Jill. He once tried to pull that shyt with me, telling me I had “those eyes”, and nice skin and how talented I was. I quickly shut him down, not just because he’s a bloated, dim-witted, 10-dollar-an-hour security guard, but because I could feel the chunks rising as he leered at me. There’s an avowed white supremacist at our job and the other day this black fool pulled the racist aside, got all misty-eyed, and told him he reminded him of his dead father. I made up my mind right then and there that black men are lunatics and I wish they would leave us alone.

    • Pat 13 October, 2016 at 21:48 Reply

      Wow, the guy you describe reminds me of one of my in-laws. He only dates white women, and the newest one he has is so bottom of the barrel it is ridiculous. She’s a “proud redneck” who is supposedly “disabled”, but only thing she knows how to do is get pregnant and complain about not having money that she doesn’t work for. She then tries to turn around and shame my husband’s family, via Facebook no less, for not helping them financially because according to her we “should”. I don’t know how she grew up, but my family is not going to help you get out of a financial situation if you are always demanding things, and then cursing those same people out on Facebook because you’re mad. Every other month she is breaking up with him and then on the weeks in between they are one big happy family. It is so sad it’s comical. I’ve never met this woman personally (because they live in another state), nor do I want to. She thinks she is so entitled it’s insane. She hasn’t worked for anything but is always demanding and throwing a fit when she doesn’t get her way. But… hey, at least she’s not Black right?

    • ann 12 November, 2016 at 23:59 Reply

      LOL, what type of work does this women do? He is being a fool for paying her health insurance since she earns more than he.
      You are right to stay far away from this idiot. So what did the racist say to him?

  5. Janet 13 October, 2016 at 16:38 Reply

    Yesterday (well the last two days) I was driving home and caught DL Hughley talking about this movie and how black women caused it to fail. I was trying to figure out how black women did that. The first day he claimed it was because black women were mad Nate Parker was married to a white woman and brought her to the premiere. I knew that was bull because he has been married to her for years and most people know it.

    The next day he claimed it was because black women were protesting due to his past allegations and how they should get over it.

    I kept thinking how exactly is this black women’s fault the movie didn’t do well. I was a history major so I knew about Nat Turner. I didn’t need a movie. Especially one that changed things as they saw fit. A fact a lot of movies based on actual people do. I had already determined I wasn’t going to watch it. Yet to be blamed for its failure. I have yet to hear how black men are to blame because they didn’t go see it. And I know I never will.

    • Dismantle Black Men 24 October, 2016 at 10:49 Reply

      “Yesterday I was watching DL Highly and he said black women caused BOAN to fail…”–Janet, Oct 13 2016.

      Janet , I told you guys about DL Hughley.. He hates black women. What is it going to take for some of you black women to accept this??? What will it take? I guess it will some of you being killed by some of these BM for you to finally get it. Right? And even then you will say racism made him do it.

      Remember that Don Imus fiasco years ago where he called the Rutgers ball team nappyheaded?? Well DL Hughley went on Jay Leno (I’m almost positive) and said that Don Imus was right & that those black women did have some nappy hair. DL Hughley sat right there and said that and then Damon Wayons came on the same show or another (Tonight Show or Late Show ) the following day or couple of days and put us down too, black women. He (baldheaded Damon Wayons) said our hair was nappy.

      Why do you watch these awful black men??????? Withdraw your money. Withdraw your support. Also, you can find these talk show segments on YouTube from 2007.

      • ann 13 November, 2016 at 00:17 Reply

        At first I thought I had posted this comment about D.L. Hugley. I too remember when he made those comments on Jay Leno’s tonight show. I was too surprised. Jay didn’t know what to say. Then D.L. had the nerve to say something like similar to: “Yes, I said it” as if he wanted someone to come after him. But, he knew no one was going to take up for bw and that is how he got away with that statement. The thing is he is married to a bw. He sometimes will make a wise guy comment about her. I suppose as long as the checks are coming in who cares? He is not funny; but, he thinks he is. The networks continue to give men similar to D.L. tv shows. This is the thanks bw receive for supporting these men.

  6. Pat 13 October, 2016 at 17:21 Reply

    I’ve had to explain to some guys I work with the same thing. There is a guy that I hang with who always talks about his “baby mother” with whom he has a 12 year old son. He used talk so negatively about her (she was stupid and slutty and that if they’d had a daughter he would have had to stay with her because he didn’t trust her to raise a girl alone because she would end up on a pole- his words, not mine). One day a few months later he volunteered that she was a White woman and then proceeded to say, “I know you sistas don’t like that”. I had to tell him that I didn’t care who he had kids with because his dating choices don’t affect me. I then went on to explain to him and another guy that I don’t care who people date, I would be a hypocrite if I judged black men for dating outside their race because I have in the past. I just don’t like black men who go out of their way to shame/embarrass black women in order to JUSTIFY dating outside their race. Guys that do that never tell you what they love about Becky, they just tell you why they hate Latoya. If you are going to be with someone, be proud of who you are with, and not just because you are trying to run from something else. I’ve seen Black men tense up and look like they were going to have a heart attack when I would see them in public with white women. Really dude? I DON’T care!

  7. Avianna Gay 13 October, 2016 at 17:31 Reply

    I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with the excellent article that you wrote but I wanted to give you my condolences about your late husband. I am married to my best friend (and love of my life) of 10+ years and I couldn’t imagine a day without him… I just wanted to say that I am sorry for loss. I know that that wasn’t the point of the article, but still…I’m sorry. Peace and blessings.

  8. Pat 14 October, 2016 at 13:08 Reply

    It’s a big world. Nothing is 100%. Of course there are Black women who have a problem with Black men dating white women. I know quite a few. They especially care when Black men doing very well are only interested in white women.

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