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So my teenage relative posts on social media that she wants a baby. Here is my response to her…

This post isn’t representative of everyone’s experience but this is what I saw. This post is not PC or idealistic because it is meant to be real. If you are mad at this post perhaps you need to take a look at you. I will not hold my tongue when it comes to Black girls.  You want childless little Black girls to suffer I don’t. Let this post be a warning to them. 

baby

Dear ***********,

Get on birth control, have sex, travel, make friends, date a lot, join a sorority, make a lot of money, stay in college, have standards and in five to ten years get married to someone who is worthy of you. Having a baby, especially if you are a single mother aka another baby mama is hard and for many humiliating. I couldn’t do it. That’s why I married. I told him I am not a baby mama. I am a wife. Guess what? He married me.

The truth is as a mother you are no longer free to go and do as you choose. If you are not married that man will not stay because you popped out his child. He is looking for better, meaning unmarried, no babies and educated (not you if you want to be another baby mama). Women and men who are uneducated, broke and pop out litters of babies are low quality people.

When you have a child you are responsible for another human being. If you are working at a low wage job you will be poor and struggle. Being poor is hard. If you are really poor you will have to get on welfare and that is shameful. Yes it is because those government people intrude upon every aspect of your life. Living on $200 cash and $300 in food stamps a month in a poverty-stricken, broke down apartment with high crime (because that is all you will be able to afford) is not living. It is merely surviving like homeless dogs do on the street.

The next thing that will happen is that you will ask the father for help and he won’t. He will question the paternity of the child because he doesn’t want it. He will question your judgment because you laid down without a condom with a man who never committed to you. That shows low standards and men resent low standards. You will fight with his other girlfriends who have children but his main girlfriend is childless and degreed. He will take care of her but won’t give a damn about you or his baby. They will laugh and mock you because you’re stuck with his baby. You are nothing but a baby mama and free ass when ever he wants it. While the father of your children (note children because you will pop out more of his spawn in a desperate attempt to keep him) and your childless friends will be having fun and you won’t because you will be at home with babies and leaving multiple messages on his cell phone begging him to help you. You will get fat and have stretch marks. So those cute outfits and bikinis are done. I worked out until my last month of pregnancy and still gained weight. People will look at you and judge you.

Eventually you will quit chasing your child’s father and start looking for a replacement daddy. You will go through many men who are just like your child’s father because deep down you really want him. You may think it is because you still got it. You do but it is really because those men see you as low quality easy ass because you are a baby mama and not an ex-wife. They see your desperation and are ready take advantage of it. They will have sex with you. They may even impregnate you, stay in your home, eat up your food and run up your bills but regardless of the magical things you can do with your lady parts they won’t marry you because they too are looking for a high quality woman. After years of being treated like crap you will ask yourself why you attract no good men.

You will have to question every man who comes around your child because he might be a child perv. You will pay for everything by yourself for 18 years. The child’s father may give you a few bucks but that won’t be enough. Eventually you will have to explain to your child why dad isn’t around, why you weren’t married to their father and why do all of your children have different last names if you are lucky enough to have the fathers sign the birth certificate. When you are 30 you will eventually want better for yourself and you will go back to school. That was something you could have done in your 20’s but you wanted a baby. You will be working during the day while going to college at night. People will admire your effort but in the back of their minds they are wondering why you didn’t go to college and then have kids in the first place. Your kid will resent you because you didn’t do things the right way.  You weren’t around because you had to work during the day and go to school at night and their real dad wasn’t around.

In your forties you will learn from your mistakes. You will marry someone who put another woman through the same crap you went through. But hey, you are in love but still broke. After all that unnecessary struggle and wasted time your child may end up a single, poor, uneducated, and struggling parent just like you. Do you really want that? Do you want to regret not living your life for you?

Instead of wanting a baby want a degree and money. How do I know this? I saw my friends go through it. That is why I did not. Achieve something. Babies can wait. As your aunt ********** said, child get you a dog. Don’t become another god damn baby mama.

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12 comments

  1. Hatty 24 October, 2014 at 15:05 Reply

    wow I know men who do this at any age. I know a man… kinda know him… I mean, we’re not friends. if you could call us that I guess? okay, so he has a daughter , she’s 16 she’s pregnant and I asked if she was going to get an abortion or adopt. I only asked him , because he seemed so pissed off that she got pregnant ? so I said well if she’s pregnant, why don’t you just give it up for adoption , because she’s too young to have a baby! he replied,” hell no,we don’t do that in our family” as for the marriage thing, you have guys who are 40 years old who are still thinking that they’re 18 will pretend to commit to you and won’t. Bam you’re stuck with a baby. That did happen in my case,where we.were engaged, I was actually LIVING with my ex fiance who is 40 and I got pregnant and he abandoned me. I even found out that he was married and his WIFE was pregnant too. Soooo this girl must be insane as a teenager to get pregnant!!!! My ex fiance even put me through the whole paternal test garbage,.even though he knew it was impossible for me to be pregnant by another man but he did it anyway in order to cover up front of his wife! now I have a little boy who does not know his father. he doesn’t know his son and he was in the military!! imagine a guy in the military who you can ? its crazy because I really trusted him. I try to tell teenagers my personal story so that they could see if it happened to me than it could happen to them. yeah and it is humiliating even though I still tell my story. however, it’s not right to assume that all women who are single mothers want to be a baby mama sometimes it just happens that way unfortunately. I want to be married but I’m too afraid of getting hurt now, I hope this girl doesn’t go to the same thing. lots of s*** can make you bitter. and trust me I’m bitter and very negative about black men in general and how they often do women

      • Hatty 25 October, 2014 at 12:34 Reply

        That may be true, but Bougue’s post makes it seem like almost all single unmarried black mom’s are that way by choice.Being a single mom usually is not by choice. Take me for instance, I’m not a party girl, don’t date thugs, I date men who I THINK are good men, and even I’ve been burnt badly. I don’t care who you meet these days, because many blue collar, business and professional men will tell you what you want to hear and you end up falling or it with a trusting heart. My intention and motives were pure and good, in my case, his weren’t pure he was a military married player who went around tricking women.

        As for me,. I spend a lot of time with my kids and family.I”m an introvert. I’ve always been a little nerdy and maybe was being gullible. But I also think that this is an excellent post because there are many of us non -hood rat single baby mammas who are gullible to the deception of some men. I totally agree with the post, I just think it’s unfair to imply that almost all unmarried single mothers are loose easy and use poor judgement. Some men are very manipulative trust me,they will sell pork to Jews if you let them. It’s not that easy to find a husband, in the post she makes it seem as though, it’s just THAT easy. Like the snap of a finger. Yes you could get married easily, however, it’s WHO you are marrying. Even if my child’s father came back today, I’d never marry him. EVER I just have to endure the humiliation of being a single mother. But I can handle it. She’s right, there is less money involved even in divorce situations. I’ve been married before and it was actually worse going through a divorce than it is being a single mom .I will admit that had I known what I knew now, I’d have stayed married.

  2. Hatty 24 October, 2014 at 15:13 Reply

    I didn’t mean to say “stuck” with a baby, but I meant being stuck as a single parent which is extremely hard to do and yeah it is humiliating for some women, myself included. I think my point is is that a lot of these 40 something year old men still think they are between 16 to 18 then they want to shirk off their responsibilities. my ex fiance acted real ignorant,trust me.I also found out he had other babies mamas. I had to go to therapy and be medicated for about a year! I was so completely shocked. I thought we were getting married he even asked me. all the sudden one day everything changed with one email. so I think there are clowns out there of all different ages.

  3. RD 26 October, 2014 at 08:23 Reply

    Hatty,you clowned yourself. You should have used hormonal birth control plus a condom. That’s some pork you sold yourself. You were not a wife, you decided to have a baby, you were not raped or co-erced, you had sex…of course you are going to have a baby.Excuses.

    • Hatty 27 October, 2014 at 10:47 Reply

      Ok first of all, I didn’t respond to the post and tell my story to get sympathy. Yes I was a wife, and he asked me to marry him fyi. Prior to that relationship, I was married to a German man for 12 years until he got sick and died. My intention was to point out that you can’t be DUMB and too trusting like I was. Not at one point did I say I wasn’t being too gullible and trusting. Since then I’ve learned a lot about myself and men. I know who I am, you’re not going to tell me who I am. I am wife material, however I don’t think that I was born to ASPIRE to merely conditioning myself so that a man can see me as wife material. I’ve learned a thing or two in those years, a nd trust me I’m not innocent. However I was a victim and did b elieve what was being told to me, was it foolish, yes, But it’s not fair to imply that all single black “baby mammas” are hoe’s who just cock their legs open because someone smiled at them. You weren’t there to hear how he laid his feelings on thick and I’d actually dated many years before having a baby with him. I also think it’s foolish for you to act as though the title “wife” makes you a saint, or immune to being a fool for a man. Many wives fall for their husbands bull and as I was telling someone earlier, becoming a “WIFE” Doesn’t make you superior to the girl that can’t get a husband to save her life. Like I siad, I didn’t party, was living with him and thought I knew him. You’re going to tell me that you never met a WIFE who’d found out a horrible secret like I DID? I had NOOOO idea he was still married and he went out of his way to PROVE that he w as single and only loved me. In fact he approached me, I never approached him. You act as though wives can’t be just as stupid as the unknowing mistress? What I do thinkn is unthinkable and SAD is that HIS wife TOOK him back after she’d found out about me and many others. There are “WIVES ” who find out that their husband has multiple wives, heck we even got the marriage licence had been together for a year. So don’t tell me that in this modern age, n o one has had sex before marriage? I wasn’t a one night stand, I THOUGHT I was doing the right thing. NEver said I got raped, but I did get played and played hard. Am I proud of it NO. IT took a lot for me to tell my story in order to help someone else, so they could see that regardless of age, it CAN happen. Am I smarter hell yeah!! I just said I’d been in therapy for years. And stopped dating all together, NOW I have trust issues that are unbelievable, you wouldn’t believe. Now did i write i t to get sympathy, NOPE I don’t care what you think you didn’t hear what I heard and you didn’t have my experience either. Stop defending that cheating husband, you placed all the blame on me, like MOST black peole do, and never assign any blame to the person who was ACTUALLY married. One thing I NEVER did was cheat on my husband when we were married. Againn. I’d given 2 black men a try, and it didn’t work out. So I relate to things very well. Not everyone on here has their package totally together, you’re not perfect eithr I’m sure.
      Not mad at you, I get your point, but what you are saying are things I’d already thought about. And dealt with. One thing I’m tired of is people bashing t he woman in situations, as though i’m Psychic, and could automatically know. I grew up with two parents who were very close and were b est friends. My mom got pregnant before she married my dad, and he married her right when she was pregnant. They had the baby which was my brother, and they lived happily ever after…. That’s how my life has been led, believing those things. It’s not always women who come from single parent homes in the ghetto that THIS crap happens too. Many of us are well intention. Now did I live in a fairy tale world, yes, however, I’ve learned since then.

  4. Hatty 27 October, 2014 at 10:58 Reply

    And P.S. I have male relatives and friends who are married to women who are the WORST examples of wives and men asking me every day, why I’m not married. I said, it’s because I feel distrustful. Not all wives SHOULD be wives, not all baby mammas should be baby mammas. That’s why I said, it’s not always by choice. I have a friend a younger friend, his “wife” humiliates him every chance he gets, he’s like a son to me, a nd I constantly tell him he’s got to do whats best for him and his kids. I don’t give him advice, and I certainly know good women who are single, who deserve to be wives. And what about him? Was he being husband material? If you aren’t husband material, then you c an’t exactly ask a woman to be wife material? And what constants to who is a wife? And who is not?? That’s what’s wrong with a lot of Black people who thinnk there is some kind of special reaosn w hy someone becomes a wife. I have a lot of available SUCCESSFUL, gorgeous girlfriends who WISH they could find a husband.And I know many of my married friends who just married any loser. so there ya go, marriage doesn’t equal happiness.

  5. MixedUpInVegas 28 October, 2014 at 18:55 Reply

    While it is probably true that some baby mamas came by the title somewhat unwittingly, it is still our obligation as women to control our own fertility. A woman who does not have control of her own body cannot have a free adult life. If you are pregnant all the time, you are always vulnerable and dependent on others. What kind of life is that?

    Control your on body and your own life. We already know what happens when you and your child are at the mercy of some guy WHO HAS NOT ALREADY MARRIED YOU. Even then you should wait a couple of years just to make sure he is a reliable partner.

    There is NO rush to have children. Get in the driver’s seat and make sure to have the ring, the marriage license and a stable home to bring your children in to. He may be a slug, but guard your fertility until you have everything in place and you are sure. Birth control, contentiously practiced, is your protection and your friend. Don’t get lax!

  6. Pip 30 March, 2015 at 17:15 Reply

    BLACKS IN AFRICA, BEFORE SLAVERY, KNEW THEIR FATHERS!
    70% OF BLACKS IN AMERICA TODAY, DON’T KNOW THEIR FATHER!
    The White man did many things wrong, but he dosen’t f–k off and leave you to rear a child on your own!
    Black American males are the NEW slave drivers of the 21st century.

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