In the I wish a dude would files: Me submit? Hell naw!


We’ve seen the submission memes making the rounds on social media, specifically in Black spaces. People claim Black women only submit to White men or Black women aren’t submitting to Black men. As if both are good things. I don’t believe in the concept of submission unless we are talking about BDSM. Even with BDSM, I will never submit to anyone! It isn’t in my nature.  Lets get back to the religious concept of submission. This isn’t slavery! We are free!

The idea of religious submission is rooted in first-century logic. Please, please, please don’t use the god argument on me. One, the Bible OK’d slavery, genocide, infanticide and all kinds of craziness. The idea of submission via religion was created by men, written by men and enforced by men who believed mental illness was a sign of demonic possession. They also believed a thunderstorm was a sign that God was angry and that dragons existed. Should I really take my cues from that? And two, I don’t believe in it. I prefer the progressive version of religion.

The submission folks always quote “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:22 but never “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” 1 Timothy 5:8. I wonder why?

Today you have social media relationship pimps pushing this nonsense. If you notice, the idea today is usually promoted by men who are insecure and have little to no power. To make up for their lack of power, some of these men demand women submit to their manly leadership. Let’s be real. Most of it is a game to get ass in the name of God and to play house without the ring. They dangle the idea of marriage like carrot while requiring women to perform sexual and mental gymnastics. Deep down these men know marriage will never happen. Check the statistics! And when marriage does not happen, the men will say it was because she did not submit enough.

I see like this, the concept of submission means that I because I have a vagina I need someone to lead me simply because he has a penis. Crazy right? Unlike ancient people, with data and a lot of common sense, we now know the concepts of wisdom, love and leadership do not emanate from a penis. It comes from experience, logic, intelligence, humility, and empathy.

One more thing, I am no relationship expert. Trust me I have made my mistakes, but in my 13 years of marriage I have learned marriage is not about submission. Marriage, a healthy one, is a partnership where we work together to achieve a common goal. His penis does not mean he must lead me and my vagina doesn’t mean I am obligated to follow. My opinion is just as valid as my husband’s, and his opinion is just as valid as mine. I am not second or third to any man. I don’t want to follow, and I don’t need a leader. What I do have is a partner.

What other women do is their business. I know this submission nonsense is not for me.
A veteran of a 13-year marriage

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  1. mslightening 4 May, 2015 at 18:17 Reply

    I would much rather be alone than submit, but that’s just me. When I grew up and from under my father’s roof, I felt I didn’t need a leader or someone to tell me what to do. My parents did a great job.

  2. Jim 16 May, 2015 at 06:10 Reply

    Interestingly enough, this is one of the reasons that American men sometimes cite for their interest in foreign women as wives (Asian, Latina, African etc.).

    A marriage is a partnership, but it is never 50/50. Whoever believes that has been misled. Some days it is 70/30, other days it might be 40/60, but it is definitely not always 50/50. But it does eventually balance out over the long term for those marriages that survive.

    Both men and women bring something unique into a relationship – a feminine energy and a masculine energy. That is the basis for attraction under usual circumstances in the first place.

    At least in the African tradition, women have always had strong leadership roles within their homes and their communities. Moreso that in the Eurocentric tradition and certainly more than in the Asian tradition. Many African cultures are matrilineal as proof of this. Somewhere along the line however among some women, this became “I have my stuff” and you have “your stuff” and you aren’t going to tell me what to do with “my stuff”. This is where the minds of many have become corrupted by materialism in a materialistic culture. The fact that everybody now has to “get theirs” and “protect their assets” has really destroyed one of the main aspects of getting into a marriage the first place – to build something together in partnership. Unfortunately leadership in the minds of some women has been misconstrued as being about male control. It is not. Leadership is part of the male drive to protect one’s family and the investments that both husband and wife have made in building that family. Leadership is part of the female drive to choose wisely the man that responds to her needs to build the best environment needed for the building of that family. It has nothing to do with control over anybody, any space or anything. When it is misconstrued as such by women it just comes across as insecurity. When it is misconstrued as men it is because they have no idea what leadership means in the first place.

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