Your parents lied: 40 sad, weird, happy and crazy things that happen when you hit thirty!
Your parents didn’t tell you everything. It is straight trickery. When you hit 30 your entire life changes. When I say everything I mean everything. The way you look, think and feel changes. If you put your parents through h-e-double candy sticks when you were a teen it all comes back. It is like your parents revenge. You are going to learn. Parents always get the last laugh. If you are over 30, you recognize these things. If you are a teen or in your twenties, laugh now because you’re next! So here is what happens when you hit the magical 3-0:
- Everything starts to hurt and grow in unnatural places.
- You stop growing and start expanding.
- You can’t eat the way you used to. For example, if you are lactose intolerant you are really lactose intolerant. Even the smell of dairy guarantees long hours visiting the porcelain palace and cursing all things milk.
- Wearing juniors clothing looks like you are trying too hard, so you graduate to “Misses” sizes aka old woman clothes.
- While dressing like a rapper/hipster was cool as a teen through your twenties, everyone thinks a 30-year old man, who dresses like a teenager, is a loser. That was your reality check. You’re welcome.
- You start forgetting things including your own age.
- You want to forget some things including your age.
- You start attending high school reunions.
- You go back to your high school reunion and can tell who had a rough life.
- You thank god/nature/mum-rah it wasn’t you.
- You go to the club, and you realize spending $20 on an amaretto sour, next day raccoon eyes, getting drunk while dry humping some drunk stranger and coming home smelling like a pack of Newports isn’t exciting anymore.
- While in the club, you are saying to yourself “I’m too old for this.”
- Breaking night and going to work the next day seems like a horrific idea.
- So you are the first of your friends to leave the club. Especially if they are all under 30.
- You also find yourself saying things like “breaking night.” ((So 1990’s)) For the youngins it means coming home in the morning.
- You think the today’s music is trash, and it really is.
- You prefer the music you grew up with so you listen to “classic” 90’s stations.
- You find the idea that 1990’s stations are now considered “classic stations” horrific.
- You start talking about those “d@mn kids” forgetting you were one of those “d@mn kids.” (See number six.)
- You start doing things like “networking.” Whatever the heck that means.
- At every networking event everyone wants to know what you do for a living.
- You realize people measure your self-worth based on what you do for a living.
- You are now wondering why you are doing what you are doing for a living.
- Everyone admires a teen or 20-year-old “free spirit.” After 30, being a free spirit means you are an irresponsible, lazy ass.
- You start caring about your lawn.
- So you tell people to get off your lawn.
- Because of that, you find yourself spending insane hours watching home and garden shows.
- Everyone is wondering why you haven’t gotten married yet.
- Everyone is wondering why you don’t have kids yet.
- Your childless 30-year old friends see their 30-year-old friends with their kids are amazed at how they are doing it.
- And you are wondering the same thing.
- You find yourself going to your friends and older relatives funerals.
- You realize that you only have 40 more years left.
- You also realize the things you thought were important in your teens and twenties weren’t really all that important.
- You begin to value life and the choices you make.
- You start to not give a d@mn what people say.
- And you are happier for it.
- After all of this, you wonder how your parents made adulthood look so easy.
- Your parents now becomes your best friends.
- You are forever grateful to them and appreciate life.
Feel free to add, subtract and even disagree.
Remember the only limit you have is the one you have placed on yourself. Think, be and know that you are limitless.
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